This week has been...of a different world. Ive literally been zoned out all week. The type of zoned out where you stare at the ceiling and when you finally decided oh, you need to pee, you get up only to find that you've been staring, thinking for over an hour. I think i need a break, a break from life in general. A break from people, and from the same surroundings. Its like when all you have to eat in the house is cereal or bread. And by the 4th day of alternating between cereal and Pb& J's, you've about decided to never eat again unless its something other than those two items.
I just woke up this week, unusually sad, because my love was gone, and wouldn't be back for a week. But other than that i woke up, checked facebook and after scrolling through the same status's, the same people and the same crap i do everyday, i sat there and stared at the screen, Of my friends, family, and random people who i never talk to and i wondered why i had to impress these people.
Now dont get me wrong, and go flip out from what Ive said. Its just why do we care so much about what people think and perceive us as? Not saying i dont care about my reputation and the overall opinion of who i am to a person, but why do we guard our words and opinions around certain people and not others. Why are we who we really are to a few select, but only show the rest the "polished" side of us. The one that would never curse, or say rude things about people, or agree on things we really dont agree on.
I have watched, and watched people do this over and over and over. And im guilty of it, probably more than anyone. I find myself being someone different to please certain people, to hold my opinion and actions in front of people from fear of being outcast-ed from the group and people i spend my life and days with.
I guess ive just gotten tired of "sucking it in" per-say, like when you wear too tight of a shirt, or a slim outfit and you have to suck in your gut, dont act like you've never done that. Its like when your around certain people you have to " Suck in" certain parts of your personality and of who you are. Its like we hide the truth about who we are, so we will be accepted with certain groups and types of people.
Ive watched people be "exiled" and watched people turn their nose up at people because of certain thing that person does that they dont agree with it. And it bothers me to no end, but at the same time, i consciously take note of what that person did, or is doing and if a situation like theirs presents itself in my life, i know how not to act to be pushed from the being in the exclusive social circle we place ourselves in.
Yes, i say and think things that can being...well, rude, harsh, mean, cold, and inappropriate at times, i will admit, im dont have the best filter.
But...certain people will never know that. Because they have never experience the crude, and at times explicit me. I feel like sometimes we dont let people see that we are human, that we have faults. That we do things that others might not exactly agree with, that the things we like, see, listen, and watch may not completely line up with them. Truth: You should never be exactly like someone else, or see things the way they see them.
Fact: There are certain things, that depending on what you believe, your peers should believe what you believe.
Example: I believe that the only way to get upstairs (heaven) Is through Jesus. - My friends and family believe that same as me.
Example: My favorite color is black. Gweneth Paltrow- Probably not her favorite color, thats okay.
Very simple, true examples of the point im trying to make.
Its just my life, and the things i see effect me, and who i am. I would never want anyone to alter who they are so they could feel accepted by me, and i wouldn't want to feel like i have to alter myself for anyone.
We live in a world where individuality and being unique means looking and acting like everyone else.That just doesnt work for me.
So here are some truth's about me that you may or may not know. If by the end of the list you find yourself scowling, saying "Whats wrong with her?" Or have a different opinion about me revert back to to the " I dont care" Paragraph and check yourself before you wreck yourself.
- If cigarettes didn't kill you, and weren't looked down upon as immoral, id totally be a smoker.
- Ive wanted to write a certain curse word on the back of my phone, so when i drop it whoever picks up the pieces just gets the picture without me having to actually say the word. Because, i drop it alot.
- I would be such a PDA (public display of affection) person, if every time i showed affection, to specifically my significant other, someone didn't scream "leave room for Jesus!" Or look at me like im fornicating in public. Its a hug, not a tribal mating dance.. thank you.
-I would blog more, if i thought people would stop asking me whats wrong or if im okay every time i do it.
-I like Katy Perry.
-Ive always wanted to be a ballerina, like a legit one.
-I believe that one piece bathing suits are ugly, and there is no such thing as a cute one piece...unless your 4.
-Life is about choices, who you date counts as a choice. If youve dated more than 3 people in your life, you understand this one.
-Venting relieves stress, its like a proven fact. I vent alot, im not negative.
-This is not a negtive blog, if you read it as negative, you probably have some negative opinions about me.
-BAM. In your face.
- I believe in love. I believe that its okay to fall in love, and that you have to experience failed love to treasure when you find real love.
-I love this boy im dating, and im gonna marry him. Sorry if that bothers you.
-Ummm.. Im done.. i think.
What truths do you hide from people? This list is just random off the top of my head, & i have deeper ones too. But the random people who actually read this, think about it. You were made to be you, uniquely you, if your hide your faults and your not so pretty parts of who you are, it just makes you seem unreachable, untouchable and inhuman.
Ive decided to be me, 100% of the time. And if you dont like it, im honestly sorry, it has nothing to do with you personally. I just cant pretend to be someone im not anymore.
& if you were wondering, i am OK :)
4 comments:
I'm reading through your posts for a while now. I just can't stop. I love the way you write and I can totally find me in every post. Thank you for being honest.
By the way, i love u and u r really really awesome (:
I love this!!! And I agree wholeheartedly!!!
Hey =)
I don`t have a blog-website of my own (yet), so if I write like a blog myself here, sorry ;)
I know these zoned-out times. That`s craaazzzyyy!!!!
I used to have these times alot. Being caught in the same routines .... being nice to everybody, saying appropriate stuff, without really knowing what the whole point was. To be nice? I tried it with being rude to bring a little change, didn`t go as good as I thought though ;).
I guesss what`s cured me in this area is doing soemthing where I can be myself in, contributing something for people to see, enjoy, but also critize. Because I guess I WANT to be critizied, that people point out the good stuff I do but also what I have to work on/ what is not so good.
I guess I wanted to break free so much couple of years ago becuase I did not even try to be myself for so long or actively did somethign to show people who I really was.
I lied about my mental condition and whatsoever because I did not trust people, I did not have good relationships (but now i do ;) ). I was praised by people for being so nice all the time, although I felt differnetly about myself. I even thought people would be liers because I could not see their point.
Now, that I am doing for example our news-videos for our youth-service and work together with tom =) on the skits I just feel I can be more who i want to be. I don`t care too much anymore about people oevrdoing their compliments or whatever.....because I KNOW now, from experience, how comfortable - or not - I really am in the areas people have praised me about without really knowing, without really having seen me "perform", or express myself as I am, as I want to be.
I have made myself crazy about not being able to be myself in front of people who always were so confident - although I knew in my heart what they said was complete bullsh** or when I just had a different opinion- .
I guess because I never had told anyone what I really thought the idea grew in my mind that I actually should always disagree as soon as I had the slitest doubt or a different point of view.
This combination of not doing anything but at the same time thinking you have to be a complete disagreement-machine can drive you nutts, I can tell you haha.
I think I have found a middle way now. haha. Life`s much easier today :D
You know that dilemma taht you know you want to say things about persons or friends, stuff taht you think about them, or just want to say, although it wouldn`t be nice or friend-like but on the otehr hand you would think of yourself as a lieer if you wouldn`t say it?
i agre with you about the There-are-certain- things-that-your-peers-should-believe-what-you- believe thing!!!
You have to stop wanting to be tooo extremely ‘individual‘ to not malfunction in being a unity with your freinds and family at some point!!
Very good point!
Hey, If you think this is stupid or that I act like an analyst, just say so and I stop, k?
Now,the things-about-you-part is fun :D
I was a little surprised about the cigarette-stuff. But actually me too always wnated to be a cool (legit?) smoker. haha. I have always played being a smoker with pretzel sticks (do you sell them at your workplace?) :D
I too ALWAYS drop my phone. I ahve counted the drops since my purchase: around sixty...(does it really matter?^^). I tried to find out how much of a life-expectancy a phone of mine would ahve. because, well, it ahppened before, taht I dropped my phone way too often and the speakers stopped working.
as you might have noticed, my spelling is not so great either. Now I`m completely myself^^ haha. Extreme-misspelling!
Well, if i can say that, I dont like one-piece bathing suits either, except for surfing-suits maybe!!! =)
‘-BAM. In your face.‘ was great!! hahaha. Soo good!
at last, the hiding-yourself-from-others thing (i do the - - - - thing a lot....crap, again!) is great. yeah, i mean that you think so, because I have experienced this too. haha. i have thought I could lift the struggles of this world on my own ---> epic faiL! But thank god and his christians :D:D:D - tehy are soo awesome people- I can now say i have true friends I am sharing my thoughts and inetrest with! Awesome!
=)......
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